Chapter Four, or the Dresden Dolls like to exxxplore in the attic

It’s after ten AM on their first day in the room/attic, which means the Dresden Dolls (not the band) can head up to the attic. In a sort of vague foreshadowing, the kids go upstairs to “explore.” Sure, they’re just checking out what’s up there and all, but in the coming days/weeks/months/years they will find many things to exxxplore. Specifically each other’s young, nubile bodies. Specifically the genitals on said bodies.

Upstairs, the children find a ton of old shit. Old furniture, chamber pots (I wish one of the kids had put one on his/her head, a la Vincent’s hat on the first episode of this season of Project Runway), old trunks, and clothes from the Civil War. I know I’ve addressed this before, but wtfuck is with Christopher? Cathy’s like “wow do u think these clothes r frum da Civil War?” to which Christopher responds, “The War Between the States sounds better.” What? This is the d-bag Cathy falls in love with? He doesn’t even answer the question. I mean, sure, she’s an idiot, but still. He’s awful. The kids find an old schoolroom at the end of the attic, which according to Wikipedia, suggests that these kids aren’t the first to be held prisoner in the house. Or it just means that the kids were taught at home?

The twins hate being in the house and want to go play outside, so Christopher decides to build them swings in the attic. When they went upstairs, the floorboards were described as rotting, so I would naturally assume that the ceiling beams were, too. And since I’ve been waiting and waiting for them to drop or knock over something incredibly heavy, or fall and make a huge noise, I figure this is my chance. I just want their grandmother to come running upstairs to set them on fire or do something equally cruel and biblical as punishment. But no, life (and be life I mean VC Andrews) just isn’t that kind to me, and the kids just play until they get bored.

It really bothers me, but it appears that Carrie never learned any personal pronouns. I know she’s a little kid, but all she does is scream and whine, and all her character does is make me empathize with the grandmother. I concur with her that the kids (or Carrie, at least) must be at least partially retarded, and I desperately want to lift her up and hold her by the hair. Any method of cause her the pain of having to read about her. Fucking VC Andrews.

Cathy takes a bath before lunch, and even though it’s totally against the rules, Chris hangs out with her in the bathroom while she’s in the tub. Um, ew. No wonder the grandmother has really crazy strict rules about this kind of stuff. Could someone with a brother please tell me how often they took baths with their brother (or sister) in the room? Especially when they’re 12?? Anyway, the two talk about what they’re going to do with their money when they’re rich. Chris wants to be a playboy before he’s a doctor, and Cathy will be a ballerina, of course. This is because now she’s too old to have a pony. My favorite part is when Cathy says that when she’s a ballerina, she will eat only ice cream and cheese because if she doesn’t pig out on stuff, she’ll be nothing but skin and bones. Now, I haven’t taken a dance class since the third grade, unless you count the country line dancing class I had to take for a quarter in high school, but I’m pretty sure ballerinas want to be nothing but skin and bones. If I remember correctly from that Babysitter’s Club book where a girl at Jessi’s dance school was anorexic, it’s so they can jump higher or something. Maybe that was Center Stage, or both. But I definitely remember seeing some movie (probably on Lifetime) about how fat dancers don’t dance. And by fat the teacher meant dancers over 111 pounds.